In 1992 Ted Turner held a literary award called the Turner Tomorrow Fellowship, aimed at novels that would present a new and intriguing world view for our future. The late Ray Bradbury was even on the panel of judges, and all of them immediately held Ishmael on the top from the first tier, all the way to the final judging.

It is a story that begins with a man finding an ad in the paper:

He's pissed off, cuz he thinks it's some silly guru idiot that'll take your money and tell you to love your neighbor, like so many from his era of the 60's. That, and well... another reason as well... won't spoil anything for you. Especially the great tale of how Ishmael got his name.

But he does go to the address, finds nothing but an empty room, a bookshelf full of odd selections, and a chair. He sees a gorilla being kept in captivity behind a window on the side. He doesn't realize that, in fact, he IS about to be shown the "bars of the cage." The teacher shows up, and readers everywhere have been inspired by what is taught. It's not another spiritual concept that'll be difficult to believe in. It's the actual truth in as clear a way as one can put it.

In the sequel book, called My Ishmael, Ishmael takes on another student: a 12 year old girl. To me this one was even more touching and powerful. Yet another book, the Story of B, is the journal of a priest sent to investigate "B", who the church fears is the Antichrist. But B is in fact another student of Ishmael who moved to Europe to teach what Ishmael had to say. Since so many still misunderstood Quinn's message, he wrote a nonfiction work, "Beyond Civilization," which makes things amazingly clear. There are many groups online to discuss further what's being taught, or to organize ways for it to be taught to more people. It's even being used as a text in many college courses.

A movie was made loosely based on Ishmael by John Turtletaub, but is not at all the same story. To many it was a disappointment, but to me it's how I found Ishmael in the first place. The movie was called Instinct, and it starred Cuba Gooding Jr., Anthony Hopkins, Donald Sutherland and Maura Tierney, all of whom I thought did an amazing job.

I could tell you a little more about the story, but I've devoted my writing career (if I can get one started) to carrying on the same message, and that involves a screenplay that I've been working on, uniting both Ishmael and My Ishmael into one single story. I have that online if you'd like to read: Ishmael the Screenplay

The Stumbling Block is a project I'm working on, which will be a book, as well as a continuing web-radio show, all for the sake of combatting the misunderstanding and pushing of harmful religion into government, to encourage people to walk away in as many ways as possible from the onslaught of civilization onto the world, and more. I'm even attending college here in Tucson to learn about Native American history and to increase my skills in creative writing, hoping to transfer soon to my home in Georgia, where all of my spiritual family is. I miss them so much. I'm so damned alone here in Tucson, but it's been good for schooling and reflection.

I'll be working on a good revision of the Stumbling Block soon, and trying to get that bad boy published. It could be bigger than the Da Vinci Code, I feel. Other writings are at my college Writing 101 website.

I know all the preachy things people say when you say this. I don't need to hear them. In fact, I know them all by heart, and not a single damned platitude that could be said makes it any better.

Fact is... I'm alone. I have so much love inside of me, and nobody to pour it into. I have had five in a row relationships where it wasn't the right one. Each time I wasn't looking, but I found someone I loved and who pulled me in, only to realize it wasn't the love for me. 

It isn't for the reason that I can't bear to be alone. I was alone for 25 years before I finally came out in 1999. I was alone through much of the time after. It's that through all five of the relationships, I felt alone still. I just want to find someone who doesn't leave me feeling alone still.

I'm a polyamorous man. I believe you can love more than one person. I can't even find one.

At night when I go to sleep I know I'll wake up alone. I don't want to. There is another man in bed beside me, but we are not together. We never really were. I know in his heart he wanted someone different. He knows now that I didn't want to be with someone who wished that. We ended it early this year, but in truth, it never really begun.

In the time since, I came to feel for someone who I thought, based on his language, may consider some of it back. I planned a weekend months in advance. He kept saying how much he looked forward to being there and being in my arms. I'd say it back. Then there was a gap of talking. Suddenly I feared I was forgotten. Finally he told me he'll be there for only an afternoon with his new boyfriend. I became so upset with this that I blew up. I tried to apologize. When the weekend came he didn't even show for that afternoon. I'm nobody to him. I feel I'm nobody to a lot of people.

I don't want to be somebody's everything. I couldn't stand to be. I just want to be their something. I don't want someone to stick my member in. I want someone whose eyes I can gaze into in the morning when we both wake up, and to know they lay before me the entire night through. That they'll be there. Doesn't have to be always. Just that they want to. I want to feel something. I want to embrace something mutual. I want to feel real love. Lusty, earth-shattering, mutual love. But I don't.

It evades me every time. And I'm too tired to chase the wind.

My girl, Mau Kitty,was talking to me about my "Satanic" or "left-hand" path mention, and I explained it, I hope, as best I could. But she mentioned that I may be more of a Heyoka... I looked it up and I think she's right. What a cool description!

Anyways, here's what I wrote back, and it really shows where I come from:

Actually, Satan is a Hebrew character from a fable. Christians made the silly move to assume him the source of all evil, therefore assigned him the character of the serpent from Genesis, the Leviathan mentioned in other texts, and so forth, but in fact there is no real connection between this one tiny character from Job and all those others.

 

That is, of course, the point. One of my goals after I left the church was inspired by penance of my previous judgment to all other paths that weren't Christian... which led me to paganism. I was going to study the truth of each path, not what is SAID about each path. I extended that to Satanism even, as one of the many paths I researched. What I found was quite surprising. Even endearing in a sense.

The Satanic Panic that flew through the witch-burning times led people to think all sorts of horrible things about animal sacrifice and cursing and hexing and so forth, although read the bible sometime and you find that there's lots of all of that on behalf of YHWH, strangely enough. You also have your average weirdo who listened to too much Slayer music and thinks killing a bunny and screaming to Lord Satan to give him powers will make him more powerful in this life, or selling his soul to hell, or all that baloney.

But in any organized sense, the tradition of actual Satanism has no worship of a deity or spirit named Satan at all. It is a philosophy. All throughout history, the deities of a conquered people became the demons of the conquerors. Lucifer, for instance, was a beloved angel and god that was downcast by the Romans, and it became a permanant part of Christianity's doctrine when they switched over due to Constantine. A Satanist basically sees shame in this, and sees a great deal of shame of blaming all ones woes onto a devil character while giving gods all the credit of good, taking absolutely no responsibility in their own choices or parts of the world. I fully embrace that idea, and for that reason alone, I know that I'm on a left-hand path... as I believe one must embrace their demons in order to transcend the usual judgment-flinging that too many do.

Also in paganism I found a beautiful escape from what I hated in the Christian path. One side of all things had to be good, so the other side had to be evil. Day is good, night is evil. To me, both are necessary parts of the earth's rotation, both good. A person can be loving AND defensive against foes. A person can be spiritual AND lustful. Both sides need attention. To call one good and ignore the other, the ignored will control you. Basically it's nature, and if I claim to revere nature, I can't exactly despise half of my own.

So all things I love and embrace have been made into Satan, not the other way around. Therefore when asked if I'm Satanist, rather than the usual pagan response trying to detach myself from it, I proudly stand beside it. I'm not going to convince people anyway that anything they don't like about me is okay, and I don't play the game of trying to justify myself to others anymore. I'm through with that. Let them think what they want, I'm everything they hate and I make it as clear as possible.

That's just where I have come to stand. Where there's judgment, there is no spirit. Where there's spirit, there is no judgment. And besides, the devil's usually much sexier, and we all know how much I like that!

RWS

Those are the words that a psychic gave to me long ago. A really bad psychic, but wisdom is wisdom, no matter where you find it, and those words haunted me ever since. They ring true. Where there is spirit, there is no judgment. Where there is judgment, there is no spirit.

Yet several times in crossing over to the pagan path, I find those with too much judgment for there to be spirit present. I've been a part of a solitary group (oxymoron, I know, but it was a mailing list of solitaries, put it that way). When some of us wanted to meet and celebrate an Imbolc, the judgment flew, as though we were forming a coven. They screamed outrage not only at us wanting to do this, but screamed outrage at every little thing I said I'd do as I led the ritual, even though they made it clear that they would not be attending, AND I went out of my way to make it as user friendly as possible.

Those who wanted to explore more of a family setting left that and found a new spiritual family to be a part of. It's not easier to do that, but it's sure more rewarding, or at least we seem to feel so. Several times now my spiritual family has had to go through cleansing. Judgments flew and people got hurt. There's uproars against those who explore nudity too much to someone else's liking. There's uproars against the group that has "adult" activities at night, exploring BDSM techniques in a private tent. There's one woman who ran a Native American group that, when it was her turn to lead a sabbat gathering, insisted ONLY Native American traditions would be honored that weekend, and couldn't understand why that angered the rest of us. 

But most of all, there's been several who clearly do not approve of me. I'm a gay man. That's not what they disapprove of. I'm a gay man who spent a weekend with another man in a tent, who brought along another man. We had a three-way weekend. They didn't approve. When in the end the man I was interested in ignored me entirely for the other gent, I was judged heavily for it as though that's the consequence of a polyamorous idiot.

When I'd made a Christian joke, these folks got onto me for it, saying, "All paths are sacred," and yet here they were informing me that the polyamorous path is NOT sacred, nor is the BDSM path that some of the other people were wishing to explore. In one rite I led, I was very much speaking out to say all paths were welcome, and mentioned all paths I could. I included even Satanism in that list. I was told never to say that again. Why???

I guess all paths that are pretty, fluffy, bunny, white-lighty, happy happy joy joy are sacred. Or only the paths THEY like are sacred. You get tired of the hypocrisy quickly. I've since realized that the darkest paths are the most courageous, and so I choose to dive into those as well. After all, who the hell are we to call them "dark" in the first place? We say we follow nature, but bitch about "harm none". Nature is ALL about harming to stay alive. Are they paying attention? The lion doesn't nicely ask the gazelle to get into its mouth.

I am a gay, polyamorous, nudist, exhibitionist, pagan who can't seem to find a path to save his life, and can't escape judgment either. Hear me roar, but hear me roar NOT in judgment.